| jet setting |
[Nov. 21st, 2008|12:09 pm] |
leaving for san diego tonight and then coming back sunday to spend sometime with david until he has to leave for work until the following sunday.
so i've been thinking about my life. where do i even begin? graduation is coming near and i'm so excited but i'm so nervous. i try not to show it because i always wanna be confident in my future and what i believe i can do. but damn, i am so nervous.
people are always like, "i need to find a job" or "i don't know what i'm going to do with my life."
for me, i would like to think i have it all planned that and that all my plans are going to work out in the end. it's a little positive of me but i don't have time to worry about it not turning out the way i want. and if it doesn't, i guess i'll figure it out then.
another thing is all the people in my life. what will i do now that they're not here with me anymore? they're moving back home or relocating or even staying in the same place...but i won't be there. where are my friends when i just wanna hang out or just wanna talk? i just hope that we will keep in touch and not become friends who eventually just drift away.
i know who my life-long friends are. but i've never been a person who wants to do 100% of the work in any relationship, so if they don't try, i won't work myself up for them either.
change is always welcomed but it can be so awkward. i don't know how i'll cope but i guess i'll have to find a way.
ready for warm weather and tanning. is it summer time yet? |
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| don't mind me, i'm just rambling. |
[Nov. 21st, 2008|08:26 am] |
there's something about an amazing relationship that changes you - and there's no turning back.
I understand I am high maintenance, but understand i pour my heart and soul into the relationship and i expect the same back. Yes, i want to be your #1, and if that's too much to ask for, the door is always open.
you know you have to attach yourself to somebody in order to live. randomly i stumbled onto my old LJ's title and it brought back so many different emotions and memories.
"Maybe that's your destiny, steph. To always be with a boy because you don't seem to know how to function without one." - Rob. And i just sat there speechless because it's true. I fall apart when i have no one to attach to. Like somehow i lose myself when i lose them.
Looking back 9 years, i've never really been "single." I've always had someone there, and if someone left i replaced him as fast as you can say 'peace.' There were streams of boys that i could care less about, but it occupied my time. They gave me something to look forward to.
I'm constantly contradicting myself, i guess some things never change.
It's like i was never okay when i was single, always yearning for more.
But this leads to my significant other becoming my catalyst for my sadness. Like my emotions depend on the relationship.
Maybe it's just cause i have no more drama in my life and my mind doesn't know how to function without chaos so it creates it.
Maybe i never really lived when i wasn't attached to someone. Maybe that's what i'm struggling with right now.
Things are good right now, but i hate the fact that my whole world can turn upside down by what cody does or does not do. It's been a constant rollercoaster in this relationship and i need it to get better. This isn't a bernard&stephanie relationship anymore, but i need to feel the way i felt when i was with him. That nothing else matters complete bliss.
This probably means i need to be single for a long while, but i'm just not ready. |
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| [cf] 17 Tea |
[Nov. 20th, 2008|09:19 pm] |
The 17Tea commercial for November 08. This actually came out earlier this month but I didn't realize until today.
Personally I liked the 17tea commercial that came out December of last year. She was sexy here but not trashy. And that last pose was really awkward :/ |
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[Nov. 20th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
I have forgotten how to live the single life.
i'm over this rollercoaster of emotions because i can't figure myself out. i'm so into investing my entire life to my significant other that i always lose myself. then i freak out when we break up and instead of fixing the problem which is me, i just go out and find another boy to invest in.
what am i still holding on to? |
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[Nov. 18th, 2008|08:39 am] |
The detox hasn't started yet, in fact there's been an increase of thc filling the lungs and salvation running through my veins.
my cigarette usage has gone down thanks to the patch - it's now down to my morning cigarette, but weekends are another story.
Last night I ran 3 miles, WHAT?! ME?! i have forgotten the freedom i feel as each foot steps in front of the other. I hate the fact that i don't have enough motivation in me to actually go out and run - unless it's a monday. thank god last night was a monday, I needed it.
i miss being in shape. i miss my strength, and the fact that i could bench 130, but i don't miss the bulk.
This past weekend consisted of fighting, punching walls, crying, and our shows, but i think i finally got my boyfran back. I lost him 8 months ago and he got too comfortable to realize anything was wrong.
it's just going to be us and cali for thanksgiving, i'm quite excited.
I can't believe i've spent over $1500 this month and i'm still going to get new running shoes on my lunch break. i need shoes that will help with my overpronate running. i need more energy in my life and hopefully with working out, i'll get it back. |
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[Nov. 14th, 2008|03:43 pm] |
Sometimes i feel guilty for missing san marino.
or maybe it's the fact that everyone knows everyone and sometimes there's something soothing about that.
I love David Yurman. |
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| hmm |
[Nov. 14th, 2008|01:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
i don't really know what sparked this but i noticed the snobbest, most self-centered girls i've known in the past have ended up with guys that most people wouldn't call "attractive." how does that work out? and it's not like they've changed either, they still think they're the shit. |
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[Nov. 14th, 2008|09:49 am] |
i believe i have found the underlying issues with my "life" struggles, aside from the withdrawl symptoms. I'm terrified of growing up.
For years, I've tried to act older than my age. At 16, I thought i knew it all and couldn't wait to turn 18, so i could finally be an adult. I never gave myself the chance to just be my age and now i'm regretting it.
I don't even know what a 22 year old is supposed to act like. |
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[Nov. 14th, 2008|08:28 am] |
ugh. I hate posts like this.
If you didn't know already, i LOVE animals, maybe even a little more than human beings because of their purity and innocence. There is no backstabbing, shittalking, lying, just pure survival instincts.
I don't believe it's right for us to act like barbarians and kill these innocent beings in inhumane ways just for fashion. We need to be better than this.
Here's some short facts:
- It takes at least 100 chinchilla pelts to make just one full-length coat.
- Life on the ranch: To cut costs, fur farmers pack animals into small cages, preventing them from taking more than a few steps back and forth. The anguish and frustration of life in a cage leads minks to self-mutilate—biting at their skin, tails, and feet—and frantically pace and circle endlessly.
- No federal humane slaughter law protects animals in fur factory farms, and killing methods are gruesome. Small animals may be crammed into boxes and poisoned with hot, unfiltered engine exhaust from a truck. Engine exhaust is not always lethal, and some animals wake up while they are being skinned. Larger animals have clamps attached to or rods forced into their mouths and rods are forced into their anuses, and they are painfully electrocuted. Other animals are poisoned with strychnine, which suffocates them by paralyzing their muscles with painful, rigid cramps. Gassing, decompression chambers, and neck-breaking are other common slaughter methods in fur factory farms.
- Contrary to fur-industry propaganda, fur production destroys the environment. The amount of energy needed to produce a real fur coat from ranch-raised animal skins is approximately 15 times that needed to produce a fake fur garment.
-furisdead.com
There's just too many facts to list here about what goes on in the fur industry.
http://www.furisdead.com/facts.asp - please read it. |
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[Nov. 13th, 2008|08:20 am] |
"I'm beginning to understand your relationship with bernard a little better." - rob.
we were addicts, addicted to each other.
As unhealthy as our relationship was, I loved it because we gave each other 110% of us. We forgot how to take care of ourselves because we were constantly taking care of each other.
I guess i'm struggling with finding a good balance. I miss that total care. I miss feeling like i'm the most important thing in the world. I miss not doing anything, but feeling so content because we were together. I miss him to an extent, but really i miss how our relationship was.
Sometimes I wonder if i'll ever be able to have that again. I feel young love is so pure and innocent and as we get older and develop more scars, we're a little more hesitant to throw everything into a relationship, into our significant other.
I'm over the routine of things.
I need to go on another detox soon, I'm starting to not be okay when I don't smoke. |
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[Nov. 11th, 2008|10:34 pm] |
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| Icons |
[Nov. 10th, 2008|02:13 am] |
[The King and the Clown] x 6
→ Jangsaeng x 6
[La Corda d'Oro] x 4
→ Aoi Kaji x 1
→ Kahoko / Len x 1
→ Yunoki x 1
→ Kazuki x 1
[Bakuretsu Hunters] x 35
→ Marron Glace x 33
→ Marron / Mille x 2
[Firefly] x 3
→ Kaylee x 1
→ Kaylee / Simon x 2
[Animamundi: Dark Alchemist] x 13
→ Georik x 12
→ Georik / Germaine x 1
   
( Etc. ) |
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